settling in, or just settling?

The harvest has ended. The farmers are burning the fields, and I'm awoken at dawn by a char scented breeze, the nights lit by an eerily beautiful orange glow. Weightless black carbon confetti settles over Mae Sot. Towering piles of rice and corn are ready for market. After a relapse of heat, the mornings are again become brisk, the nights fully cold. Mae Sot is slowing down. It is the time of year to take stock. To assess what you have reaped, set your stores, and begin to prepare for the next haul.

As I see the people around me getting cozy and comfortable, slowing to enjoy this treasured season, I also realize that I am feeling the same pull. To slow, if just a little, breathe more deeply, and settle in. I want to buy the rest of the furniture for my house. I want to plant my garden, and surround my house with beautiful flowers. I'm thinking of the deck I could build out back. I'm shopping for a motorcycle, and thinking of the trips I could take on it. As I begin to think of Mae Sot, of my house, more as a home, I also wonder, am I settling in to a possible future here (at least for a while more)? Or just settling?

Hithertofore, I have been very uncertain about how long I would say here. The key variable has been my job, and the possibility for having a better work life balance. My organization has undergone many changes over the past 18 months, and my role has shifted, but the un-accomplishable amount of work I have has not. That was the criterion which should have yielded a definitive decision to leave, but I am finding it hard to do so.

In part, I do love my job, and the people I work with, an the opportunities it yields. And in part, I'm not sure where I would go or what I would do next, not feeling quite ready to return to school, and with few organizations hiring at the moment. Which makes it all the harder to tease out whether my growing connection with my life here is because it is what I want, or because its what I've got. Certainly, I'm cognizant of many sacrifices that come with being here, and that I could forge an enjoyable life in other places. So is there something special about this place? To make it worthy of settling in? My own lack of long term vision for what I want in my life contributes to the difficulty in making this determination.

Just since graduation college, I've had several extremely different phases of my life. Living in Richmond, and working at the Health Department. Volunteering in south India. Living in Brooklyn, and working with DOW. Grad school in Baltimore, and now, southeast Asia. Though no place was perfect, each time I felt I could have happily continued where I was, but made the difficult decision to move on. I haven't regretted any of those decisions. So now, having spent 18 months here, is it time to start looking towards the next step? Or is this the place I dig into a little deeper. I just don't know.

A large part of me would really like to stay here a while longer, and really give Mae Sot a full go. But I also fear, that failing to find the balance I want in my life here, delaying a transition will make it harder to get the balance I want at all.

I feel very strongly, that to live in a way that is compatible with my values, to do what I feel is important, sacrifice is necessary. Perhaps I am at a point now, then, of trying to determine which sacrifices to make, while still trying o make that decision based on how best to fulfill what I owe, rather than how to best get what I want. Where is the line between a good balance, and being selfish? And if I'm thinking of settling in here, which element is motivating that decision. And I certainly can't deny the part of me that feels that whatever I do, my contributions will never be big enough to make a difference overall, so why bother, when I could just create a life purely to enjoy. Maybe staying is just a way of avoiding having to make harder decisions.

I leave tonight for the journey back across the globe. I know that the approaching interviews with long apart friends and family will necessitate answering many questions about my plans. I've decided to stay on here for a while more, but I still can't say for how long, or what the shape of my future will be. Perhaps my physical journey will give me time for a mental one as well, and I'll arrive in the opposite hemisphere with more clarity.