just another day?

Last night a friend of mine came over is desperate need of a bit of catharsis. The past 24 hours had been filled with difficult news. She was reeling a bit, and wanted to talk through it with someone, to see if she was just letting the emotional stress get to her or if it was, in her words, "a genuine headfuck moment". It was.

First, she had heard that a woman she works with died the day before. She drowned while swimming in the river at Oo Thu Ta refugee camp (one of the new camps of Ler Per Her refugees). She was only 24. She worked with Burma Women's Union, an organization that mine also works with. Though I did not know her myself, we have many friends and colleagues in common.

Second, we heard yesterday morning of the arrest of a Burmese born U.S. citizen in Rangoon. He was basically arrested off the plane when he landed. He was suspected of working with opposition groups inside, and was taken for interrogation, which by default also means torture in Burma. That was all I knew, but it turns out he was a friend of my friend. They worked together. He had previously been working undercover inside, but last year went on a public advocacy tour, and so was supposed to curtail his activity in Burma as his identity was now known. No one is sure why he decided to go back, but we suspect its tied in with feelings of guilt and distance from the struggle, as his mother, cousins, and many friends, are currently political prisoners. Most unfortunately, he was (very unwisely) carrying a laptop containing data files about inside opposition groups and activities, which is now in SPDC hands. He also is very well connected and has a lot of information about various underground activity, which is all jeopardized now. So this news was devastating in two key ways, one, we know very well what lies in store for him in SPDC custody, and it is painful to think about what he must endure, and two, because of the information he carries, many others may now be as risk.

The third piece of shocking news is the one that personally upset me the most. A staff member at an organization that we work with, which focusses on documenting and disseminating information about human rights violations conducted by the SPDC, defected to the SPDC. He has worked with the organization for three years, and was well known and trusted. He left behind a wife and young son. He took with him several external hard drives full of information. The current thinking is that he had a girlfriend in Burma that he was going to be with, and this was an easy way to make some money to support them. What I find so distressing, is that there are so many challenges to doing this work, its not easy, and everyone makes personal sacrifices to do it. There develops a bond between colleagues and friends who are locked in struggle against the same forces. The information he handed over will endanger the work of this organization, and individually, many of the people that work with them. But even more, the betrayal is hard to stomach. For most people here, this work is not just a job, its a commitment of a deeper kind. The idea that he could betray all of it, betray the people who have sacrificed so much, to grasp the hand of the cause of all that pain, I don't even have words.

Unfortunately, working here, we are accustomed to difficult news; it is not unusual to hear shocking and distressing tales. But these three together proved a particularly difficult burden.

My friend is leaving Mae Sot next month. In part, its just time for her to move on, but in part, it has just become too much. She has a particularly stressful and emotional job, working with and for political prisoners in Burma. The hours are long, the stress is high, and though everyone, necessarily, clings to hope, in reality it is a distant dream. She is preparing for being awash with feelings of guilt when she leaves, and is planning ways to stay involved from a distance. Its a hard decision, to go, because there are so many here who don't have the option of leaving, and so they remain in the struggle, and there are so many that could go, but choose to stay, despite the difficulties. Sometimes it just is the right decision, though, particularly if you can be more effective somewhere else. Regardless, she will be greatly missed. And I will have to find new friend to help me evaluate the genuineness of my own potential headfuck moments...