I realized this morning that although I have started a handful of posts over the last month, I haven't completed any, and therefore my blog has been sitting idle of updates. I think this reflects a larger ambivalence I have been experiencing over the past weeks, relating to a reevaluation of my plans for staying in Mae Sot. Those of you that I have spoken to recently know that in addition to increasing pressure from my organization for some indication of my plans, personally I've felt an increasing need to figure out a plan. My feelings being so mixed about this, the spillage into other thoughts seems to have kept me even from holding a view long enough to finish a post...
In my deliberations about staying, I keep returning to the same few main issues, which are these:
1) Lack of work/personal balance. Although this has improved some, due to hiring more staff and not having internet at home for a few months (though I do again now), and the mental shift that accompanied that, its still not where I want it to be, and I'm seeing more and more that the structure and ethos of the organization would make this a permanent challenge. It has also been suggested to me that this is perhaps as much of a personality issue as a job issue, and thus may not be solely related to my current location.
2) Culture. I miss having regular access to art, music, etc. Which is really more of a reflection of living in a small town, rather than of living abroad. During my 2 1/2 week stay in the US, I went to a play in DC, museums in DC and SF, and the symphony in SF. I like having art as a regular part of my life, and how much easier it is to incorporate it in cities. Also the intellectual stimulation of cities, and the opportunities that are so abundant there - again a reflection of small town life rather than of being abroad. And though I do love the opportunities to learn about and partake in new cultures that come with living abroad, I confess to a deep connection to and love of Western art, particularly music.
3) Convenience. The structure of life here means that many things take longer, and not speaking the language means that, for me, they take even longer. Its easy to rail about Western, particularly American, life being _too_ easy - in some ways, inconvenience is a good thing, as it prohibits taking things for granted, but it is also awfully time consuming, and potentially draining. Which is in itself a kind of quandary - where to find a happy balance.
Having spent time in so many places where many things are done the long way, by hand, its sometimes funny to me how 'hip' it is become in the US. People used to do things the long way for lack of money, or access to a final product. Thus when affordable finished products came along, they were heralded. We're returning now to an appreciation for the process, for the quality of and connection to those things done by hand. It strikes me though, that the appreciation is based on choice. You don't have to do or make everything by hand. Our privilege is that we can choose convenience when we want it, and invest in the process when we want. When everything we eat/wear/enjoy is home grown and processed, that represents an Enormous investment of time - so much time that you are no longer able to enjoy all of those other things that we have decided are important for quality of life. Once again, a need for balance arises, that isn't really tied to this place at all. I think being here forces me to think about it though, whereas in America, its very easy to ignore, or choose unconsciously, which in the end, is easier but less responsible/preferable.
This is the distancing effect, and complacency, that the amenities and convenience of American life tend to be paired with. Both of which I am desperate to avoid. The very nature of the American commercial system removes consumers from the source of production, contributing to a 'bubble wrap' effect, as well as a disregard for externalities. We revel in having ready access to everything, at affordable prices, but we don't ever pay, or want to pay or even know about, the full costs. Because these systems are so deeply imbedded in the culture, they are difficult to get around, and within days of returning I feel the gravitational pull. Its nice, this American life without consequences. Its nice to be able to choose a few things to do justly, and accept convenience in all the other aspects of your life. I'm ashamed to admit it, but its true. Here, there is often no choice. In America, sacrificing convenience is hard, when the cost seems high and the benefits aren't directly discernible,. Its a game of principles, and for all that I strive to live by my own, I can't pretend its always easy, or fun.
4) Although I don't feel any immediate urgency to be paired, I would like to feel that there is a realistic possibility for a relationship in my future, which in Mae Sot, feels like long odds.
5) Even if I was to return to the US, there is still a difficult decision about where to go - I do not have one geographic collection of friends and family. Though MD/DC/VA is definitely a major hub, I also have close friends in LA, SF, Seattle, Chicago, Madison, NYC, Boston, Philly, and Florida. If I stay in Int'l Health, the job options are really limited (with the exception of a few additional cities with schools of public health) to San Francisco, Seattle, Atlanta (too hot, and too much traffic), DC, Baltimore, NYC, and Boston (too cold). Or I could just take Nathan up on the offer to open a cheese shop in Richmond.
6) For all of the difficulties, this job does offer an incredible opportunity to work in both public health, and human rights, to contribute both to academia and advocacy, to work with many different partners, and in many different places, to have a leadership role that allows for injecting a lot of my own ideas and vision, work that is meaningful and in line with my morals and principles, basically a combination so unique that it might not be found again.
7) Making an investment into a culture, a place, a language, means that the longer you are there the more effective you are.
8) I have no idea what I would do next. I want to go back to school eventually, but I'm not quite ready yet.
At any rate, since I haven't been able to come up with anything else to share, I thought I would at least share what has been most on my mind for the past month: how long will I stay here?
Current thinking: until early 2011 (March/April), which would be nearly 3 years here. In the context of the work here, that hardly seems like any time at all. I also know that it does take a while to fully hit your stride in a place, or in a job, so its hard to make such long term predictions, but in addition to the need for planning around work, I think my mental health requires that I at least form a tentative plan.
Early this morning, I met Jade to go out to the reservoir for some trail running. We're both trying to get into running (again), and are looking to the rolling hills of the farms overlooking the reservoir for some inspiration. Both of us used to regularly get up and exercise, but both now start working almost immediately upon rising, and find ourselves exercising less and less. The freshness of running through the fields in the early morning light was invigorating; starting the day so purposefully and productively seems to open possibilities. The clear morning air seemed to grant a new clarity, and I was sure that deciding to go, in the relatively short timeline of one year, is the right thing to do. But even as the building heat fades the freshness of the morning, so too fades the clarity of my resolution. Alas, I'm left to ponder on. It is hard to know, as I quest through the desert of uncertainty, whether there is assuredness worth journeying to on the other side, or whether I am better off cutting losses, and retreating to the known shore. Should I commit myself to this decision, or venture on, in the hope that time will reveal something to guide my way to a surer path?
Morning passes, work calls, I'm left to ponder for another day.
cheese shop!
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