Return

It's not that I've forgotten the blog. The opposite, in fact. I think about it nearly every day. I just can't seem to write anything. I often feel that I can't hold a thought or an emotion long enough to write it down. Since returning, I have spent most of my free time reading, preferring to cram the time with other people's thoughts rather than dwell on my own.

One thing that I have been certain of, is that I no longer want to live in a state of temporariness. While in the US, I made the final decision to sign on for two more years here. Although that in itself puts a limit on this phase of my life, I'm tired of living in impermanence. It seems that the most consistent factor in my life is inconsistency. And so, I'm embracing that, and making the most of where I am, for the moment. This has translated most apparently into my home. I refurnished my house, made two new lamps, and hung curtains. Not much, really, but it does feel more like my home, rather than the place I live for the moment. Its silly, in so many ways, because I really am capable of living very simply, without having a need for 'things', but these small changes to my house have made me feel that my life here is more real, rather than hovering outside of reality.

Despite continued mixed feelings, overall I am very glad that I decided to stay. This job here, and indeed this life, in many ways, is a rare and precious opportunity. Though I know there are ways to stay involved in this work remotely, for the time being, I'm glad to sill be here 'in the trenches'. And I know now that when I do leave Mae Sot, there will still be a string tied between me and GHAP (in a good way). That I can stay involved in this work, without Mae Sot being the last stop on my career. I am happy to know this.

When I have recently allowed time for contemplation, my thought most often revolve around the idea that I'm not happy with the way I'm living my life, and the translation of resolve into action to change that. I mean this separately from decision of where to live and what work to do. I have not been living as thoughtfully, or as disciplined as I would like. I have not been bettering myself in ways that I think are important. I haven't been making time for pursuits outside of work (I'm not blaming this on lack of time any more than just laziness). I've also gotten out of practice of sharing anything inside of me. This is largely do to a lack of close friends here, but I feel myself closing up, and haven't done anything about it. I haven't reached out to my friends who though physically distant, are digitally close. I haven't sought out new camaraderie in Mae Sot. And so, the recommittment to my blog. As a last attempt to prevent myself from becoming a ornery old maid who can no longer relate to other people.

I find myself ever increasingly longing to be alone. I prefer to work at home than in the office. When I do work elsewhere I look forward all day to being able to return home, to sit in my room, cocooned in its warm glow and isolated from the rest of the world. To sip a glass of wine, listen to music, read, or watch a movie, but mostly, to be alone, and to not do. I've lost my ambition to do anything other than be. I think its a large part of why I want to be alone now. So that I can not have to admit my lack of desire to do anything.

My current roommate is leaving next week, so I'm once again faced with finding a new one. I'm torn between practical factors like having someone in the house when I'm traveling, and cutting my expenses in half, with my strong desire to protect my sanctuary, my hiding place. I've already turned down several interested parties, but have finally made an appointment with a likely prospective. I think it will be good for me to have someone in the house.

For the meantime, I will try to be more present here, at least.